I’m flummoxed. I’m in a state of flummox because it’s better than being accursed by bamboozlement. I’ve spent a couple of hours reading befuddling press releases this morning. I say befuddling because it’s up there in my all-time favourite words list that includes mushroom, pelmet, beer and cheese.

I still cannot fathom why companies – of all sizes – insist on meting paragraph pain on their constituents via the news release. Put simply, the reward (in the loosest sense) is simply not worth the effort.

If I was a news release I’d be considering a riot, or at the very least a conservative protest against the abusers of my kin.

I’m a journalist so maybe you could say I have an insight into the usage of sound editorial and communications practices, but one thing I’m not is intellectual.

So based on the notion I’m an average Joe, why do my Joe cousins insist on creating absolute garbage about their products and services and inflicting misery by touting it as a press release?

I guarantee you this: there’s only one word from the phrase ‘press release’ that applies to your efforts if you mindlessly output sentences of jargon and gobbledegook. You won’t be getting any free publicity, simply a ‘release’ for the junk in your head.

I’d run with the Pareto principle here: at least 80% of press releases today represent churn – churn of characters, churn of customers.

So what are you to do to stand out from your press release-bothering brethren?

I’ll revert to my philosophy that to be successful you need clarity, conviction and care – and new for today’s patronising lesson in life, to be concise.

1. Be absolutely clear – in your own, non-bullshitty tongue – about the message you’re trying to convey. Don’t beat in or around the bush. Go down the route of the ‘what, why, when, where and how’ principle of news reporting and you won’t go far wrong. As a test, write your release as you hope it would be reproduced on the newspaper’s or website’s pages. How much different is your core press release from the perceived reality? Don’t make your journalist friend sweat over the transformation – they have donuts to buy.
2. Write with conviction mindful of your target news source. If you’re penning a release for The Observer, you want to use lexicon that fits the page. If you’ve just manufactured a brand new bra that will revolutionise the world of ladies lingerie, don’t use the word ‘bazookas’ if you’re angling at a slot in the broadsheets. The Sun, on the other hand…
3. Get the name of your chosen recipient. No point sending an email to news@blahblah.com – it’s got a direct line into the spam filter. People do business with people: those who you connect with will value the effort you made to liaise directly. Care for them and they will care for you back.

Of course you could always go straight to the top of the milk bottle and talk with Word And Mouth who can advise you on individual and regular marketing and communications campaigns.

Incidentally did you know you can listen to an accompanying mini podcast to each post at Word And Mouth? There’s a little audio player at the top. Suck it and see! And thanks to music.mevio.com as always for providing the class notes at the start and end of each micro-podcast. You guys rule!