Thackeray Towers has been hit by a virus. It's a virus that's rampaging through this fair old planet we all congregate upon.
This virus has a purpose: to bamboozle, befuddle and bemuse. Its name is life.
In the spirit of compendiumising things so they make sense or are just plain fun, here's 10 of the things that should, but aren't…
1. Customer 'service'. There are oodles of books connected to the dark art of customer service. Forget Ant and Dec and Eric Morecambe – some of the funniest stories revolve around business' ineptitude towards satisfying its paymasters: you and me. Take yesterday…
Wandered into the Wetherspoons opposite St John's Market in Liverpool. Big sign on the bar: Due to the weather you can't have the Ruddles which is the headline beer in our January Sale.
This is all well and good. They only get two deliveries a week and I know how hard it is to drive when there's snow on the ground. Awww, poor trucks… Wibble.
And I know they've been challenged getting stock though. Because the Southport branch had also run out. But here's the thing:
The Southport branch offered an alternative product at the same price as way of creating customer delight. The Liverpool branch did not.
I was similarly miffed to discover that the steak pudding offer – at Southport for £2.50 – was double the price here. And before we get the whole 'it's simply pricier in the city' shenanigans, the ham and eggs, available at Lloyds No 1 on Queens in Liverpool for £1.99, was a quid more here.
I'm sorry, but you either get your proposition sorted or you're simply fools. Beer monkeys, you join o2 and Vodafone in my Terrible Traders Hall of Shame.
2. A global telecoms company. Wifi is all well and good but it's hardly 'everywhere, connected' when the moment you cross an expanse of water, you're at the mercy of another megalomaniac telecoms company intent on bleeding you of $$$ each time you send an email. And before you say Starbucks: I don't drink coffee, and nor do I choose to carry out a Skype-based magazine interview in a shop.
Let's put it this way: you have Coca Cola; you have Holiday Inn. You have a lot of telephone wires; a lot of air. Let's connect and make us all happy!
3. Client/supplier harmony. If you set deadlines, we meet them. All of us. Because someday not so far from now you'll whine about missing a launch date. And the only fall guy will be the one writing the invoice.
This theory applies equally to manager/subservient as outsourcing. As if you didn't know.
4. SEO. When oh when oh when will the people get it? This shonky excuse for a 'business' is Ponzi/butterfly marketing rolled into one. SEO according to the experts is a sophisticated cauldron of magic, stirred with a starched cat's tail in the loftiest tower of Atlantis. Bullshit. You create great content, people reconise this, they tell other people. Isn't that, like, the foundations of everything marketing? Isn't that common sense?
So many people fall for this. Spend your money on giving better customer service. That's where the real money is. Clearly this is my most impassioned hobby horse du jour.
5. Predictive text. If Google Voice can automate transcription, understanding the subtle variants of a million and one variants, then the snazzy 'we know what you're going to type next' feature on my HTC Magic should discern between SEO and Seoul. Equally on older phones, with three letters mapped each numerical key, when you're in a rush to share holiday plans to your mother I would prefer you don't change Dublin to Fuckin. Please.
6. Podcasts. They just aren't, and it hassles the hell out of me. I know why, and I've been pushing the buttons of the good and the great to get it sorted but it's SO SLOW. Sure you can reach the folks who take their iTunes seriously but most people want an easier option. What we need is some sort of high street outlet that helps people understand tech better. In there you'd be able to ask questions about why such and such doesn't work. An extension of Leo Laporte's The Tech Guy, if you will, but with face-to-face know-how-sharing. I'm working on ideas to make this pay.
They would be called Easy PC, doubtless breaking every trademark convention in the book. And because Apple isn't welcome here.
7. Immortal mums and dads. You can't arrest the onset of time, or nasty bugs, but I think there should be a gentleman's agreement with the Almighty that mums and dads be given carte blanche to live forever, if they want to. Shrinking each year like Creme Eggs (no – it's not an optical illusion brought on by my hands getting bigger) is not the way forward for the great people who created the most awesome generation on earth.
8. Churches. If I was social media officer for God, I'd tell him to start being a bit more contemporary. Take the streets. I'd say start listening to your flock. It ain't gonna get easier before it gets harder. Reach the community with different messages. Noone believes in prayer any more; it's all about self-improvement through motivation, see. But you can get to them by saying God is in all of you – and you are, in fact, God. They'll love that shit.
Things are picking up: I watched a webservice the other day. It was dreadful but hey, that's church.
9. Cheap trains. Why does it cost me £40 to go from Liverpool to Leicester by train, but only £9 to fly to Belfast? That's like charging a premium to go to Hell. Long-distance train service providers have had it way too easy for too long. And don't even get me started on Merseyrail. It's virtually £4 to go anywhere these days. 4 QUID! How can you justify that when I can go from Delhi to Trivandrum – and they lob a bed in – for £8! Don't give me that 'less risk of dysentry' nonsense. I'm all over this one.
10. Business support. If I was mayor – and none of this foursquare rubbish, please – I'd make it mandatory for anyone with an IQ higher than 46 (that should filter out 80% of the country) to serve on a creative committee. This would be the first port of call for anyone with a business idea. The committee would spawn sub-committees covering the many areas of industry. The fledgling entrepreneur would be tagged with a mentor, to get them through those early months when support is critical. With experience said businessperson would join a group of other highly-motivated bzns0wners to essentially support each other as if they were on a mutual 'board' of advisors.
What actually happens is you go to Business Link, someone promises to phone you back in a week, forgets, is prompted to follow up the enquiry approximately one year after your death notice and fobs you off on to a company who earns mountains of Euro cash to say you're great and then vanishes into thin air. Allegedly.
