Networking on a plate

As a journalist and professional communicator I always find the networking event a fascinating study of human behaviour. Everyone is different, yet there are some blatant familiarities in the styles of networker demonstrated at these shebangs.

THE HOST is there to tick your name off and welcome the speaker. The host is your friend and connector, the curator of networking memories. If the networking event takes place in a church (and let’s face it, with dwindling audiences the pews are the place to be for building relationships these days) then your host will probably be the chap who makes the jam. Eat it, covet it and enjoy it. Although easy on the coveting if you’re standing by the font.

The brimming with confidence guy who comes over to make rough love with your hand is the one who came here a couple of months ago as the timid, reluctant entrepreneur but has been coached and finessed by the professional networker. As he pumps your hand you notice a devillian yet infinitely seductive glint in his eye. The left one. You know he knows things, but you don’t know what. All you need to know right now is that he’s probably on the gin. And his decorating company is on its uppers.

There are always a few blokes and girls dressed like the back pages of FHM magazine. I don’t mean in glossy paper with a barcode on their arse – I’m talking effete style and sophistication. They work the room like you work the dishwasher. And they are the very epitome of networkingness. Hair snazzily caught in a permanent breeze (look up, it’s the aircon) they entrap and entice but their goal is to snap up your customers, not your wallet directly. You can leave that to the

PROFESSIONAL NETWORKER who knows everyone, even your mum who she’s never met, albeit on a superficial level. Teeth made of ivory, eyes glittering like tinsel on a tree, she will bewitch you with her beauty and yield your wallet and shirt off your back with the promise of ever-more lucrative networking events on her books. The professional networker has designs on your soul, spirit and mind. Despite being a bloke, Derren Brown is the archetypal professional networker. If you find yourself biting into an onion at a networking event you know you have been possessed by the professional.

The casual and evidently nonplussed guy is there because they’ve learned to find out how or they’ve been cuckolded by a friend to attend because their friend is

The timid, recalcitrant and often reluctant inventor knows he should be there – to make more contacts and connections. But instead he makes like a shrinking wallflower and coaxes wine fumes from his glass all night long.

Finally there’s THE CATERER. They wander through the room with a plate of sandwiches while the speaker is performing his oral vinegar stroke. It distracts everyone but the speaker. The round of applause is in the name of the food, which ultimately means the caterer.

Therefore the caterer is the most important person at any networking event.

The surprising revelation is we can learn and develop our networking skills from every single one of the networking types above. About how and how not to play the game. Whenever I go to such an event I treat it a bit like a Big Brother house. You know immediately the ones to be wary of, and the ones to gel with. The ones you gel with will confirm what you already knew about the other ones, while the ones you were wary of will probably nick the best sandwiches, That’s life.

After that serious study of networking, I want to give you the two golden rules of networking:

• Remember everyone’s name.
• And listen.

If you can remember everyone’s name, and a bit about their family and business operation, you’re guaranteed success. And the best listeners are the finest conversationalists. And they’re the ones that win minds and business.

Now get networking. The world awaits!

Dave’s microphone is on holiday.